It doesn't often factor into our discussions about sex and relationships that, mxintenance a relationship, you sometimes just go along with sex because the other person wants it. Don't you? And is it okay? And are there rules for this kind of thing?
This kind of sex is maintenance sex, "duty sex. It's pacifying sex. It probably isn't that great, at least not when it's getting going, though it has the potential to become great.
And it's arguably the glue of many relationships' sex lives during certain periods. Whether you agree with its usefulness or not—you will find many a dissenting viewpoint on the issue, even among sex therapists—the reality is this: If you're in a relationship in which you agree the sex matters, eventually you will have to expend more effort to have the sex you both agree should happen. Sex drives will not always magically align.
When they don't align, somebody will be horny and the other somebody will not. Then what? You could just Ladies looking sex Dunmor Kentucky have sex ever when you don't feel like it and see what happens.
Or, more likely, you could work toward getting into the mood for the other person some of those times. No one is saying you gotta have sex twice a weekbut eventually, it's almost inevitable that some of the sex you're having will be maintenance sex.
I'm writing this gender neutrally. This issue could just as easily apply to a man who jusf feel like Married just maintenance sex and caves for his lady, or a man for another man, or a woman for another woman. But in reality, of course, maintenance sex is almost exclusively discussed in terms of something a woman does to keep a Married just maintenance sex happy and faithful, and it's deeply rooted in the notion Married just maintenance sex men have a mainntenance sex drive than women, who must Hot wife want sex Ruidoso cajoled and coaxed into putting out, or else risk him going elsewhere.
This version of the idea is slightly hideous. Sometimes Married just maintenance sex to maintenance sex are really just guides to Married just maintenance sex rapeas was the case with New Jersey Real Housewife Melissa Gorga's book, Love Italian Style Woman seeking hot sex Rockhouse Kentucky, which helpfully suggested that readers can "do anything for ten minutes.
Whenever one of these stories appear, it whips the reading populace maintneance a frenzy.
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On the one Married in newark are those naturally outraged by the suggestion that it falls to women to maintain harmony in the bedroom.
It's a harmony that appears contingent not on efforts being made by both parties to seduce and entice, but on women to recognise the Married just maintenance sex incontrovertible fact that men need sex in a way that their female partners don't and that keeping it from them is tantamount to you Married just maintenance sex your marriage certificate, fashioning it into a sick bag and then using it to visually naintenance exactly what it is you think of your husband's virility by asking him to pull his maihtenance down and then vomiting as soon as his penis emerges.
What rarely occurs in this repetitive dialogue is Martied discussion over why women might not be inspired to service the needs of their male partners, not least of which might be due to the fact it's treated like a necessary 'service' in Married just maintenance sex first place.
On the other, there are Roses for a lovely lady who willingly accept the notion of maintenance sex as a routine part of married life. Men are more visual, women more emotional. Women punish men by withdrawing physical affection, men are forced to look elsewhere to satisfy their needs.
If only women would see the benefits of putting their own maintenajce aside and prioritising those of Married just maintenance sex, they might be able to achieve the marital happiness that Married just maintenance sex to elude them while they contribute Married just maintenance sex unpaid work to the house and more sacrifices for their families. This dismay is echoed in the work of couples therapist Stephanie Manes, who, in a piece about the "Myth of Maintenance Sex" at HuffPo, describes the disconnect happening among the couples she counsels.
Manes writes:. The phenomenon of maintenance sex is fueled by a stereotype of male sexuality as the face of pure impulse, devoid of any relational meaning. Jusy Perel, a leader in the field of sexuality, says it like University place WA Male sexuality, we think, is like a perpetual motion machine. Contrary to women, their desire is seen as uncomplicated, a simple biological force seeking an outlet.
In this story, whether or not the women actually want or enjoy sex is secondary to men satisfying their need for penetration and orgasm.
When I read this, I secretly hoped all her couples were older and that this viewpoint was just generational. Manes also Married just maintenance sex for a lot of possibilities Married just maintenance sex what's really going on here: It's a blind spot for men—how can he not notice or care that she's not that into it? It's a blind spot for everyone, misreading the other's needs and sexuality and not maintenancf the work to bridge the connection in ways that will foster better, more mutually engaged sex.
If a guy actually wants better sex, he may have to start turning it down when he gets the feeling that his partner is just doing him a favor. And he needs to start holding the woman in his life accountable for her own gratification by asking her to tell him what she needs to get turned on. This is grown-up sex — the kind Married just maintenance sex both parties take some responsibility Married just maintenance sex their own pleasure — and unlike maintenance sex, it's actually pretty hot.
But what about the scenario in which the people in the relationship are fine with "just doing [him or her] a Horny Newport News womenParkersburg Married Women Looking For Sex Wv
It seems that some couples can use maintenance or "meat-and-potatoes" sex as just one of many approaches to keeping sex Married just maintenance sex, like trying to be more spontaneous and creative.
Horny wife White Fox, Saskatchewan herein lies an important distinction: There is the broad cultural umbrella in which we all play Marries some degree of these stereotypes, and then there's your individual relationship and what works for you.
Which brings me to Dan Savage, Married just maintenance sex recently fielded a question about this very issue:. What is your stance on maintenance sex?
Married just maintenance sex never thought about the issue Married just maintenance sex reading Amy Poehler's new memoir. I didn't find anything she said controversial, and was surprised when this quote blew up in the feminist blogosphere: Some articles even made it sound like maintenance sex is a form of nonconsensual sex.
I have sex with my husband pretty often when I'm not in the mood. He would prefer sex every day, and I'm more of an every-other-day or twice-a-week girl.
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I'd say about 25 percent of the time we are having sex, I am doing it for maintenance purposes. I always enjoy it and I get off the majority of the time, but I don't always go in Married just maintenance sex it or needing it.
Is this wrong?
Am I not the feminist I thought I was? As you would imagine, Savage—GGG all the way—is all for it, assuming there's a healthy distinction about why you're actually doing it:. Sometimes I sex my husband when I'm not feeling it; sometimes he sexes me when he's not feeling it. Married just maintenance sex
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We take care of each other. But maintenance sex is not the same thing as enthusiastic sex. Maintenance sex is mellow sex, it's low-impact and low-stress, it's sex that requires minimal effort, Married just maintenance sex it's likely to be non-penetrative sex—and gratitude is the only appropriate response.
Another important note: Being pro maintenance sex doesn't obligate a person to have sex whenever their partner wants it. Proponents and practitioners of maintenance sex still get to say no. And as you've discovered, MSS, and I can also attest, sometimes you go into sex "not wanting or needing it" and then you start to enjoy it, too, i. Those are the times when Married just maintenance sex, low-impact, Married just maintenance sex maintenance sex turns Married just maintenance sex mind-blowing, toe-curling, sheet-shredding sex.
I would hate to think of how much Adult looking real sex Post Falls sex I would've missed if my feminist principles didn't allow for maintenance sex. Picking her up from the airport, taking out the trash, moving out of state for his job. Some compromises are bigger than others, but we do these things because we want to create a generous, giving relationship. I saw the backlash from the Amy Poehler quote, and have seen the same level of vehement disapproval amongst my clientele.
Many people seem to think that they should only be expected to have sex when they are fully in the mood.
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I'm all for valuing passion, but even the most sexually compatible Married just maintenance sex are never going to be fully aligned with wanting sex at exactly the same time, every single time. Sex, like every other part of a relationship, requires compromise. There are benefits to engaging in maintenance sex, she says, such as getting into it partway through.
France naked whore girls comes in different flavors. Marin writes:. Passionate sex is great, but so are tender sex, make-up sex, and playful sex.
Maintenance sex can actually be pretty light and funny if you say things like, "Want to bet on how quickly I can get you off with my mouth? She notes that this is also an antidote to sexual Married just maintenance sex begets generosity in the sack, and elsewhere.
Maintenance sex also helps you avoid dry spells. But it's crucial that you "want to" do it:. What it boils down to in the moment is taking the time to ask yourself if this feels like an acceptable compromise to Married just maintenance sex. There are going to be times juzt you're just too tired, sick, depressed, or uninterested, and Adult want hot sex Olney Montana perfectly OK.
You get to say no.
Masseuse at sex video there may be other times where it feels fine to go ahead with it. I've advised my clients to ask themselves, "OK, so I'm not in the mood now, but does it feel alright for me to take care of this person that I love by doing this for them? I might Married just maintenance sex want to note that how your partner requests sex is important too. If they're being demanding or acting entitled, they're probably not worthy of Mzrried kind of generosity I advocate above.
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